Order and Chaos
I’m sitting here doing paperwork. Really. There is a pile of health insurance “Explanation of Benefits” (which offer precious little benefits, without explanation) sitting on my lap from 2009 that I’m trying to put into order. Then a few other piles. One for each member of the family for the last 3 years, some bigger than others. You can see that this task is so particularly dreadful that I had to take a break from it.
I’ve managed to neglect this task for the last three years, but today it is my priority. I need to make some order out of this chaos. For I know all too well that if I couldn’t manage to get this paperwork in order in the last three years while at home, it surely won’t get any better now that I’m to go out to work.
I can see from this paperwork, that I was once an organized person. The health insurance paperwork was dutifully submitted, and returned, filed and stapled. And then boom! An ASD diagnosis for the first child, and paperwork comes at the bottom of a very long list of priorities. Order was no more.
Chaos has reigned for three years. Oh, there was order to certain things. Therapy schedules and school were always very structured. The rest of our lives, not so much. Every once in a while I would try to bring some more order to our lives. But Pudding never needed a visual schedule. Unlike her brother who needs to know what is coming next, Pudding is- dare I say it- flexible.
But, by and large, our life is chaotic, and moving to a different continent hasn’t exactly helped with that. This morning was the usual story. Pudding woke up at 3.20. Shortly after she woke her brother up. I persuaded him to return to sleep on the mattress by our bed, but nothing was going to make Pudding go back to bed. She was A-WAKE!
Spectrummy Daddy dutifully removed her downstairs and the boy and I slept until 6. And then? I don’t know, but somehow between getting the two of them dressed and myself ready, together with all the extra things they need at the start of another school week, we were already late for Cubby’s pre-preschool occupational therapy session, and then late for Pudding’s school, and then dealing with a car that breaks down at least twice a journey.
And it occurred to me that this can’t happen any more. We need order. We need control. I need to look presentable to go to work. We need to factor in Pudding’s commute to her new school, which will have her leaving the house even earlier. It isn’t compatible with our current lifestyle.
So I need to go back to being the person I was when I last filed this paperwork. Organized. Prepared.
I’ve taken something on board that I learned from my kids over the last few years. I’m concentrating on the visual. Massive piles of dusty paperwork cluttering the house make me feel bad. Nice little storage boxes look clean and orderly. I’m going to have to commit more time in the evenings to getting read for the mornings.
Then if I’m really lucky, I can enjoy a morning of order, before heading out to the chaos of work. Or maybe the other way round. Either way, it will be a change from the last three years, and a much better example to set for the two pairs of eyes that are always looking, even with averted gazes.