Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

with 12 comments

Yesterday.  Wow!  I wouldn’t like to do another of those any time soon.  I’m still exhausted, and feeling a little sick.  Forgive me if this isn’t the most peppy of posts today.

Yesterday morning was Cubby’s screening by Early Intervention.  I was worried I’d called too early.  He has a lot of language, but there is something a little off about it.  That was my main concern.  During his last assessment at Kennedy Kreiger, he showed some atypical and repetitive speech patterns that gave the researchers cause for concern about his social communication.  He passed the EI screening for language effortlessly.  There is such a broad range of abilities at this age.  They moved on to screening other areas.  No problems until we got to problem solving.  He failed both tests, and launched straight into a tantrum when he couldn’t do what was necessary.  It is pretty typical behaviour for him, but I just hadn’t perceived a problem in that area.

The good news then, is that he will now go ahead to the eligibility panel and probably to a full evaluation.

The bad news is that there could be a cognitive delay, or at least motor-planning difficulties.

The ugly was when I had to go immediately to collect Pudding from school.  Her teacher, Ms. S., greeted me, told me about Pudding’s day, then asked how Cubby was doing.  She was greeted with the ugly cry from me.  A couple of quick hugs, some consoling words, and we were on our way once again to Pudding’s speech therapy.

No premanent damage- he'll still play the piano, or guitar, or drums...

My day wasn’t over though.  Cubby had cut his finger pretty badly on a tin of beans that he retrieved from the recycling.  It stopped bleeding fairly quickly, but when the bandage came off it started up again.  I tried to call his pediatrician, but the line was engaged.  I decided to go straight there, and was promptly berated for dropping in.  They took a look and sent me straight to the ER for stitches.  After 2.5 painful hours of paperwork and waiting, the good was that they were finally ready to do the sutures.  Trying to keep a toddler from touching anything for that length of time while simultaneously keeping Pudding out of trouble (hooray, once again for the iPod!) is not the easiest of tasks.  My phone had fallen out of my bag, of course, so I wasn’t able to call on anyone for help.

The bad was that the doctor wanted me to keep Pudding away while the procedure was taking place.  They strapped him down, and Pudding and I paced the corridor.  No, that isn’t true, Pudding bounced and span and shouted and touched.  I did my best to distract and contain her.

The ugly was that at that time I resented being with her.  My little guy needed me, was screaming for me, and once again, her needs took priority.  It is a very ugly thought, so my mind quickly banished it, and replaced it with the Autism Monster.  The Autism Monster- vortex of pain and hatred I was trapped in when we first saw the signs in Pudding.  I would blame it for every problem we had.  Telling myself that autism was a blight on our lives, but we would fight that monster.  Once the initial pain and hatred started to wear off, autism didn’t seem like such a monster.  I love my daughter’s wonderful quirky mind.  Who would she be without autism?  I don’t know.  I just know I couldn’t love her any more than I already do, just as she is.

I’m going to have an ugly time with Cubby’s Autism Monster too, until I reach that same state of acceptance.  I know it will come easier this time.  We know what we need to do.  We’ll find out what is going on with him, and we’ll give him everything we can to give him the best chance in life.  We love him too, exactly the way he is supposed to be.  There’ll be good, bad, and ugly days, but every single one will be worth it.

Written by Spectrummy Mummy

September 14, 2010 at 10:13 am

12 Responses

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  1. oh I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I’m sending hugs (yes, for you I am making the exception 🙂 ) Today is the next day in a long string of next days, you’ll get him the help he needs (and early on) and continue to be the great mom that you are for making that call.


    September 14, 2010 at 10:32 am

  2. {{{{hugs}}}} We’ve all been there, and I know you’ve been there once already with Pudding. That doesn’t make it any easier though. 😦

    Couple of quick thoughts. Cognitive delay doesn’t mean he won’t catch up. Especially since you’re getting to it so early. And he’s ADORABLE!!!! (not pertinent, but STILL)

    Sorry about stitches and ER’s and all that crap. Yesterday was definitely NOT good!

    Hope today’s 1000% better!!!


    September 14, 2010 at 10:51 am

  3. Thanks ladies, I’m taking in all your hugs! I got plenty from the husband too last night, plus he made dinner, got me take out, and got the kids to sleep. I’m pretty sure today will be better!


    September 14, 2010 at 11:05 am

  4. So sad to hear about your awful day. One good thing…you have gotten your son into EI very quickly! Oh and yes….he is adorable!


    September 14, 2010 at 11:50 pm

  5. I hope to have words of comfort for you, I feel very sorry that this day was too full, so challenging to get through. I confess that I have very similar feelings at the moment, in our case it is our oldest who is about to be launched into the official ASD assessment process through a clinical child psychologist. It will start in November. Even though I know what is involved, and that Pinky is not cognitively delayed, I still feel worried what the outcome will be.
    I hope the finger is healing well, poor (sweet, adorable :)) Cubby. I know all too well the feeling of being stretched thin by the needs of both your children and the unfairness of it. I am glad your evening was so much better and hope the rest of your week and the foreseeable future treat you all very gently.


    September 15, 2010 at 7:28 am

    • I’m so sorry. Young or old, first child or another one, it isn’t easy. We’re wired to worry about our children, I’m just glad that we can find ways to help them. My heart aches for parents in the past who just had no such help or support. Thanks for being there, it means a lot.


      September 15, 2010 at 11:36 am

  6. New reader here….

    I have an (almost) 5 year old on the spectrum and a 1 year old son with an EI appointment next week. I can totally sympathize with you, minus the stitches, and I wish you the best in this process. I know we have only just “met”, but I want to offer you an encompassing hug to let you know that your feelings about the autism monster are totally valid. What a wonderful way to think of it.


    September 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    • Welcome, and a hug right back at you. There is one major difference this time. With Pudding we felt incredibly alone, and now we know that isn’t true. The best of luck with your appointment too. I know how hard this is.


      September 15, 2010 at 1:47 pm

  7. It’s the hardest thing isn’t it. I really feel for you. There’s really nothing I can say ti take away the yuckyness that you feel but know that you are not alone and we are all out here offering lots of encouragement and hugs

    (( ))….(yes….we are all lurking !) 🙂


    September 15, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    • It is the hardest thing. I think they both would have made great only children! Oh well, I’m sure I’ll learn to get better at managing both their needs. Or I’ll accept that I can’t always do it. Thanks for the hugs. 🙂


      September 16, 2010 at 3:57 pm

  8. […] bed for cuddles with me and Daddy, who is not at work or getting ready for work.  On a good day, all his fingers are in tact, and not bleeding profusely.  Yesterday, then, was a good day.  I can’t remember the last time Cubby woke before […]

  9. […] to Afghanistan, twice.  Like realizing that Cubby also had some special needs, thinking they were more severe, then learning that they probably aren’t.  It has been a big year for being confused, and […]

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