Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

My Beady Eyes

with 29 comments

Things have been going well with Pudding.   She has come so far.  I was in a bubble of contentment about her progress.  The OT handed me her evaluation to review during the session, and I felt it go pop.

She is at the very bottom percentile for fine motor skills.  In one month’s time she will be 4 years old, and she has the grasping skills of a 13 month old baby.  Ouch.  It hurt.  It really hurt.  I’d been rejoicing about her developing fine motor skills.  I was comparing her to how she was a year ago, and with all the concentration and effort she’d put in she had made progress.  Huge progress, worth celebrating.  I hadn’t thought about how she’d compare with other kids.  I’d forgotten all about how typically developing kids just keep on typically developing.  It’s what they do.  And while they keep on typically developing, the gulf between those kids and Pudding gets bigger and bigger.  That little voice that I try not to pay attention was whispering, it doesn’t matter how hard she tries, she’ll never catch up.

I had my own private pity party right there in the occupational therapist’s office.  Cubby attended, but he didn’t really get involved.  There was a juice box and snacks, and that was all he was interested in.  I gave myself a few minutes, ate a chocolate bar, and then let it go.  Really, I let it go.  I can hardly believe it myself.  This isn’t last year, I can take a disappointment without hope dissolving away.  This is going to keep happening.  Every once in a while, I’m going to be reminded that the world doesn’t see Pudding through my eyes.  That when you compare her with others, she doesn’t do so well.  It is okay, really.  Because I look at her through my eyes, and I see a girl who works so hard, and masters tasks in spite of the challenges I can’t even begin to comprehend.  She beats the odds stacked against her.  I see qualities that can’t be measured on a scale.  Qualities that are rare and exquisite.  That is what I love about my girl, she is unique.  It isn’t fair on the other kids for me to compare her to them.

I thought back to that day when she threaded the beads, and I ruined them, and she threaded them again without losing her composure.  I have to keep my composure.  I need to just keep threading the beads because it needs to be done.  Just keep stringing, just keep stringing.  I can be distracted by how quickly other people make their jewelry, or I can just enjoy the beauty of my own.  I’m going to keep threading each bead with patience and love.  There is a serenity there.  Instead of looking around, I’m going to carry on concentrating on my unique treasure.

I’m just sorry that not everyone gets to see it through my eyes.

Written by Spectrummy Mummy

November 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm

29 Responses

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  1. It will take time, but everything will come. Also in today’s world of computers fine motor, aka using a pen or pencil, really is not that important. There is also velcro for shoes and slip-ons. Don’t worry. My 17 year old still doesn’t write well or tie his shows so great, but the colleges he applied to keep calling to make sure he is still interested…just saying.


    November 4, 2010 at 7:01 am

    • You’re right, of course. There is also the small matter of motivation. She can operate an iPod Touch like a pro.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 4, 2010 at 9:08 am

  2. “It isn’t fair on the other kids for me to compare her to them.”

    Exactly right! Those other kids can’t hold a candle to Pudding!

    This was a really wonderful post. Thanks for sharing. 🙂


    November 4, 2010 at 7:11 am

  3. What a beautiful piece of writing. Thanks to your blog we do get to see Pudding through your eyes, beady though they may be


    November 4, 2010 at 8:10 am

  4. Is this an assessment based on one period in time (that day) or skills over time – if it’s the latter, then I’d give it more credit, but I have a feeling it’s the former and not reflective over the skills like the beads? Curious to hear which.


    November 4, 2010 at 8:15 am

    • It is the former, and I wasn’t in there this time to actually watch the assessment, but she is struggling most sessions, and she’ll definitely find it hard in Kindergarten, if we try to mainstream her. On the plus side, the insurance will keep paying based on this report. I think.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 4, 2010 at 9:10 am

  5. Had my own little moment when Joey had his final Early Intervention evaluation before ageing out to go to Pre-K. I had thought his language had so greatly improved and that his receptive language had reallllllly improved…. only to find that he is still in the 20-24 month range…. Heartbreaking, but we will carry on – we have to!~!~ It’s like how I feel when we go to the park and some really seemingly tiny child will approach my 3 year old with language that takes me back and my poor guy just says HI-HI!! and a bunch of excited jumbled words, it reminds me how far we have still to go just to catch up to children who are years younger than him!! But he will speak, he speaks to me, to my heart everyday and I hear him loud and clear – Don’t give up on me, mommy!! I will do this, it just may take me longer – but I will do this!! and I know he will!!
    Stay strong~!


    November 4, 2010 at 8:16 am

    • You too! I’m so glad to hear EI is working for him. We’re just starting with Cubby, so I’m curious to see how helpful it will be. Thank you for stopping by! 🙂

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 4, 2010 at 9:12 am

  6. I had a moment like this too (actually the reverse – I’ll explain at some point) but Emma is right. This is a one point in time data point, not what you see every day or what you’ve seen change over a year. And good for you for realizing that.


    November 4, 2010 at 8:25 am

  7. Why does the world think that all children develope at the same pace. Each person is an individual made in a unique way by God. The beauty in each of us is that we are individuals with so many differences. I see Pudding through Grandma eyes and those eyes show me that she is learning and becomming her own person with humor, intellegence, loving and insight into others (the man in the park). She has come so far in such a short time and she brings me such joy!!!! May she continue to grow in Gods grace.


    November 4, 2010 at 8:35 am

  8. I always say that the Roc is on his own time line and trajectory. I believe he will arrive at the same place as everyone else, it will just take a varying amount of time and maybe a different way of getting there. And that’s okay! It took me awhile to get to that point, sounds like you are well on your way there!


    November 4, 2010 at 9:12 am

  9. Got here from the Sp Needs Blog Hop. Good thing, because I’m going through the same thing. First let me tell you that the Peabody test sucks. It’s kinda whacked out. It makes NO consideration for splinter skills which is something that’s so common for kids like ours. Basically, My almost 6 year old is in the 1st %ile for grasping, too. However, she has no problem feeding herself. She’s measuring at a 25 month level for gross motor skills, but she can get up and down allthe stairs in the house, jump off steps, climb all over furniture, AND last week in school I was told she was able to tread water longer than ANY of the “normal” 5 year old kids in her class.

    The progress is there. The tests are kinda lame.

    Here’s my blog hop post: http://www.imjustthatway.com/2010/11/what-i-love-most-about-bird.html

    Dani G

    November 4, 2010 at 10:07 am

    • Ooh, thank you for commenting! I had no idea about the Peabody test. The OT did warn me that she was using different test to the ones she’d had previously, but I didn’t think too much about that. We didn’t even look at gross motor, but I don’t feel like I’ve seen as much progress there. She isn’t jumping off steps yet, and she isn’t good on the stairs.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 4, 2010 at 10:31 am

  10. When I think about percentiles it hurts, a LOT. So I just bury my head in the sand and focus on my sons achievements but yes, I tend to forget too that typically developing children just don’t have to work THAT hard and it hits me in the face. Big hugs. Jen (visiting from SN bloghop)


    November 4, 2010 at 11:18 am

  11. Beautiful post…congratulations on finding a perfect way to deal with those moments!

    Debbi Henry

    November 4, 2010 at 12:04 pm

  12. Hi there! I found you on SNBH. First of all I want to say that I love the name of your blog. Very clever! Secondly, I have a 4 1/2 year old son with PDD-NOS and he struggles with the fine motor skills too. I often wonder the same…will he ever catch up to his peers?…some day I think people will never notice his deficiencies like they do at this young age. Love your post.

    Now a follower.

    Kelly S.

    November 4, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    • Hi Kelly! I cheated a little on the SNBH, having already written the post. But it is one of the things I love about her! Thank you for your comment- I look forward to checking out your blog too.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 4, 2010 at 7:41 pm

  13. I don’t know those tests, but I do know that often times the ‘experts’ can disagree when they test your child. Sometimes parents know a lot more and see their children more clearly and they see the whole child, not just a collection of skills.

    Blue Sky

    November 4, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    • You know, I’m willing to accept that her fine motor skills are this delayed. It makes no difference, and it doesn’t change what I do with her. The main thing is, she now enjoys doing the things that make her little fingers strong. I think it is like a lot of development, it will just click when it is meant to. Thank you for commenting. 🙂

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 4, 2010 at 7:44 pm

  14. I also see Pudding through your eyes. And she looks pretty damn amazing!!

    Also, i know it’s hard to see that in prin but she will get there and it will be worth celebrating because of how hard you work with her and what an amazing kid she is xx


    November 5, 2010 at 6:22 am

  15. I totally understand how you feel. My sons fine motor has been regressing. I thought that it had improved but it hasn’t. We are going to be threading beads and using thera putty and doing whatever we can. Thanks for joining in the special needs blog hop.


    November 7, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    • I’m sorry about the regression, it is just the pits, especially when you’ve been trying all you can. As he made progress in other areas? That is what I sometimes see with Pudding. It is like her brain has to concentrate its efforts in one area, and it isn’t up to us what that area happens to be. I’m seeing some nice things with her relationship with her brother that I personally value more than her ability to hold a pencil, but her OT would probably disagree with that!

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 9, 2010 at 11:05 am

  16. Okay, I KNOW this is not a good comparison, but it reminded me of doctors visits when the kids were babies, especially Nicholas. He nursed frequently, could be sated and gained weight, but not what the doctors wanted to see on the charts. I would be offered formula (which we politely turned down) even though he would happily and properly nurse in front of them. My kids tend to be long and thin, no matter how much they eat, and not all doctors like that in babies. Finally, a lactation consultant took a good hard look at his weight gain and reminded us that it wasn’t about comparing him to percentiles, but comparing him to himself. She was thrilled with his progress and told us just to ignore the doctors….best advice ever (for us).

    So I guess my thoughts are: if you are seeing progress, I think that is all that matters. I swear percentiles are made to make us go crazy. I’m no expert, that is probably obvious, but progress is progress!


    November 8, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    • It is (for me) all about comparing her to a year ago. And there definitely is progress there. Maybe it will be a tortoise and a hare thing, or maybe we’re running a different race altogether. The thing is that this would have devastated me a year ago, and I’m philosophical about it now. I suppose that is the real progress.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      November 9, 2010 at 11:01 am

  17. […] is more than seeing my child in a different way, it is seeing life through an entirely different lens.  The world is altered with my spectrummy […]

  18. […] eye blog – You have them […]

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