Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

Love at a distance

with 8 comments

We are on holiday (vacation) with my parents.  When we lived in Europe, we did this a few times.  When Pudding was a toddler, she loved the extra attention, and we loved the extra sets of hands.  When we went to Spain with them, she would creep into their room in the mornings to spend time with her beloved Nanny and Bob.  She would hold their hands to swing, and sit on their laps, and soak up all the grandparent love that could be squeezed into two weeks.

Not any more.

We collected my parents from the airport, and she screamed.  The whole ride back she sobbed, clinging on to my hand.  The gift of a new Upsy-Daisy brought some grudging hugs, but for the most part she keeps her distance.  Is she mad at them for not being around for a year?  Is this just a transition?  Will she get used to them again in time?  She clings to me.  Even at night, sleeping beside me is not enough.  She would melt into me if she could.  I get the overflow, wishing I could turn it in the direction of those who have to remain at a distance.

In stark contrast, Cubby is adoring time with his Nanny and Bob.  It has been over a year since he saw them, but he is overjoyed to be with them.  Watching them interact is like a glimpse of the past.  The easy affection that my girl used to show to her loved ones is gone, her brother has it in spades.  A reminder.  A contrast.  A tiny stab to the heart.

It has been a couple of days, of course.  There is still time to win her over, if she can be won.  Time will be our friend.  Time to squeeze in a year’s worth of grandparental love, even if it has to come on her terms.

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Written by Spectrummy Mummy

December 1, 2010 at 7:38 am

8 Responses

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  1. ugh, I can imagine what a heartbreaker that is for you and your parents. Do they understand it’s not them? This happened recently with my mom. My son used to hug her all the time – giant huge “squeezy” hugs (she coined the term). Then two (or three?) visits ago, he ran from her and refused to hug her. Said hugs were for mama only. She tried to brush it off but you could tell she was hurt. It was hard to watch, but they figured out different and new ways to interact. He’s just as excited to see her now, but it’s not like it used to be.

    akbutler

    December 1, 2010 at 7:58 am

  2. Yeah, it is tough when they change the rules unexpectedly. Coleman did something like that with my mom too a few years ago. They came around to a new understanding and are all smiles and hugs again, but it did take some time. Just thinking out loud here, but do either one of your parents wear a scent? Sometimes, at Pudding’s age it can just switch on, and something sensory can make her want to keep someone at arm’s length.

    Also, it could be that she has some misunderstanding about their visit that y’all don’t know about yet. That’s usually the problem with Julia, and sometimes it’s impossible to get it out of her.

    Oh well, I’m sure you’ve probably thought of all this already. Sorry I’m not much help. {{{hugs}}} Hope it works out.

    Laura

    December 1, 2010 at 8:12 am

    • what Laura said sparked another thought for me too about the thought behind the visit. Some of my son’s changes happened after a not-so-great visit when my mom came with her new husband (then boyfriend). He was used to getting her all to himself, but at that visit, she barely paid attention to him (she was so, um, enthralled by her new love? ick.) anyway, it’s hard to know what it all is. maybe some memory of their last visit and she’s anxious about saying good bye again? I’m just rambling here, but it could be very complicated in that cute little head of hers. 🙂

      akbutler

      December 1, 2010 at 8:17 am

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Spectrummy Mummy and akbutler, Spectrummy Mummy. Spectrummy Mummy said: Love at a distance: http://wp.me/pZNhv-hn […]

  4. I think it is just the length of time since she last saw them is the problem, she seemed angry at them for leaving last time. Yet another reason why we hope that Daddy doesn’t have to do an unaccompanied tour. They’re okay about it, but we all hope she’ll come around soon.

    Spectrummy Mummy

    December 1, 2010 at 9:59 am

  5. Aw, that’s got to be Painful no matter how or why it’s happening. Keeping fingers crossed that the gap is bridged and the love is flowing freely soon!

    Niksmom

    December 1, 2010 at 10:38 am

  6. Oh that just sounds so awful for you all….I don’t have any wonderful! Nuggets of helpful advice or anecdotes but I’m sending hugs (())…x

    fiona2107

    December 1, 2010 at 11:40 pm

  7. […] time zones is not the easiest.  Trying to create and maintain relationships with loved ones at a distance is a hard enough endeavour, you throw an ASD into the mix and it becomes impossible hopeless […]


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