Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

I don’t want to

with 31 comments

I don’t want to write about what is happening today.

I don’t want to say that I am taking Pudding to a psychiatrist.  I never wanted to say that.

I don’t want to return to the place she was first diagnosed, then acquired more diagnoses, one for every year of her life.

I don’t want to see the receptionist with her brittle smile.  I don’t want her to hand me more forms.

I don’t want to hand over another piece of my child’s care to a stranger.  I don’t want to admit that she needs more help than we have been giving her.

I don’t want to change her.  I don’t want to hurt her.

I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want to go.

But I will.

Because I promised her I’d always be there, and I’d do anything for her.  Even when I don’t want to.

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Written by Spectrummy Mummy

June 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm

31 Responses

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  1. Oh…I’m so sorry, you are such a lovely Mommy.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers {{{hugs}}} xxx

    alienhippy

    June 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

  2. I can feel your pain in your writing. So sorry – it just sometimes seems endless. You are not alone – arms are all around you, supporting you and understanding. I so hope it all goes well for you today.

    joeysmommy

    June 14, 2011 at 12:40 pm

  3. (()) I hope it goes well.

    KWombles

    June 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    • Thank you, it did go well. I’m glad we went through with it, and started this next part of our journey.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      June 15, 2011 at 6:41 am

  4. I have so been where you are. I am so sorry. You are a great Mom, because you are doing what your kid needs, no matter how much it hurts your heart. Big hugs to you.

    Varda (SquashedMom)

    June 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm

  5. I don’t want you to go either. I’m so sorry.

    akbutler

    June 14, 2011 at 1:29 pm

  6. Hugs and prayers. You are awesome.

    Nomads By Nature

    June 14, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    • I feel significantly less than awesome, but thank you so much for your support.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      June 15, 2011 at 6:45 am

      • never feel significantly less than awesome. I won’t allow it. You know why you’re awesome? It’s because you’re going even though it’s hard, for your daughter. That’s an awesome mom.

        akbutler

        June 15, 2011 at 11:31 am

        • yes, what Alysia said 🙂 I am sorry for this turning point, such a big step to take for you all. Thinking of you. xxx

          DQ

          June 15, 2011 at 5:29 pm

  7. Hugs from UK 😦

    Courtney

    June 14, 2011 at 2:56 pm

  8. Oh, I feel for you, I really do. Good luck.

    Kelly

    June 14, 2011 at 5:25 pm

  9. Please know that I know how you feel. I have felt the exact same way. I know that I will feel that same on another day down the road. I thank you for sharing. Because you shared I will know that I am not alone when I have to take my little guy to his appointment one day. I also want to say that I am sorry. Just so so sorry.

    • Thank you Cheairs. The psychiatrist was great, and very reassuring. I feel like we’ve made the right decision, though it isn’t an easy one. None of us are alone in this, thank goodness.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      June 15, 2011 at 6:48 am

  10. I am so sorry. You are amazing. Your kids are so lucky to have you as a mom. Sending you much love and hope.

    Becky

    June 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm

  11. I hope all went well and it was better than you expected. It’s hard some days but we just do it out of love and then it gets better. ((Hugs))

    solodialogue

    June 15, 2011 at 1:52 am

    • It definitely was better than I expected. Thank you for the hugs, I’m still feeling fragile and I’ll take them.

      Spectrummy Mummy

      June 15, 2011 at 6:49 am

  12. Funny thing, right now on the radio I’m listening to Paul Simon sing “I Am a Rock, I Am an Island.” Nobody is a rock or an island. Seeking outside help is sometimes hard but often necessary, and good for you for seeking it for Pudding. It’s not about changing her, it’s about helping her. Hugs. 🙂

    Christa

    June 15, 2011 at 7:15 am

  13. I’m glad it went well. I was in that position and felt the same way. I can honestly say now, one year later, I am so glad we took our son. He needed to go and so did we. He has made so much progress in the last year thanks to his psychiatrist. We have begun to see a better future for him. I am hoping the same for you and your family.

    Donna

    June 15, 2011 at 10:05 am

  14. Thinking of you….and thinking we need a playdate to get away from doctor stuff…and you ARE helping her in every way you can!

    Jen

    June 15, 2011 at 11:38 am

  15. I have also been where you are, remember the dread of a new doctor appointment, the uncertainty, the feelings of inadequacy, unpreparedness, and yeah, even feelings that things are so unfair to a kid who never asked for this journey where everything, every little thing, is hard. I am sorry!
    I commend you for doing what you did not want to do, and maybe what your child might not want to do either (at least at first), in the interest of progress, of “better,” of a brighter future for your little one. Peace.

    Michele

    July 4, 2011 at 12:17 pm

  16. […] I never wanted to put Pudding on medication.  I looked in vain for another way.  We tried a few ADHD treatments where we felt the side effects were worse than the results, and then made a last-ditch attempt before giving up.  Her particular chemistry found the right match, and the hyperactivity reduced considerably.  It isn’t perfect, she still struggles greatly with attention, but her engine isn’t in overdrive any more, and slowing down just a little has helped her in every possible way. […]


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