Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

D is for Daddy

with 6 comments

On Friday I collected Cubby from preschool, and we went straight to the consulate to have lunch with Daddy.  Cubby loves going there, and without Pudding around, he was the centre of attention for once.  So I wasn’t surprised that he started crying when it came time for us to leave, but I was surprised that he was still yelling “I want Daddy” through his tears some 40 minutes later.  This is new.  It has always been about me around these parts, and Spectrummy Daddy has always had to play the understudy.  Always.

When Pudding was born, the midwives commented on the same things: her size, the volume of her cry, her insatiable appetite, and her unwavering devotion to her mama.  Far from being disengaged, Pudding would stare at me, and I would stare right back.  If she was awake, she wanted nobody else to touch her.  It was all me, all the time.  The doctor told me she would grow out of it. Well, the doctors back then were wrong about a few things.

As she grew older, it was still me.  I could right her wrongs, and if she was going to share her joys with anyone, it was me.  We thought that sooner or later she’d switch her affections to her father, but it just never happened.  Even when Cubby was born, she wanted only me.  The problem was, so did Cubby.  So we’ve had a couple of years of children whose sensory issues manifest in different ways, and the only one who could fix things was me.

I know how it hurts my husband to be rejected by the children he loves so much.  He wrote here about his efforts to come up with different ways to establish that bond with Pudding.  Now with Cubby, the two of them share a love of sport, so they enjoy watching games together, and I make sure that he goes to his football practice with Daddy.  But still, I was the one he cried for in the night, I was the one who could kiss it better, I was the one he wanted.

I wonder if this is a developmental phase.  I was also very attached to my mother until around this age, when I did an about-face and became a Daddy’s girl, wanting nothing to do with my poor Mum until my late teens when I discovered shopping.  Maybe, given time, this will happen with Pudding too.  Until then, I’m going to enjoy the fact that she’s my girl.  Now we have one of each, that has to be easier.  Both Spectrummy Daddy and I both know that it could be worse, she may have not bonded with either one of us.  Once again, thanking the autism gods for all that we have.

Still, this morning Cubby would only go to his daddy, and when he put him down again, Cubby immediately started crying for more hugs.  I had a small taste of that helpless feeling that my husband has known for so long.  Spectrummy Daddy asked him what he wanted, even though we both knew the answer.  After waiting so long, it was just good to know he was wanted.

 

This post is part of my A-Z series.  You can find the rest by clicking here.

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Written by Spectrummy Mummy

October 17, 2011 at 10:51 am

6 Responses

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  1. With our kids the first one was all Mommy. . . then all daddy after about three months. . . then all mommy after about three months. . . and now has had a long all daddy streak that’s gone on for about 8 years. Mommy appears to be making a run at it right now though.

    With my youngest. . . alllllllll mommy. Since birth. For that last five full years (approaching six in December). We are at a point now, however, where she actually asks where I am when I’m not around. I will get her yet!!

    Jim W.

    October 17, 2011 at 3:05 pm

  2. YAY! My older two were all about me, my youngest all about dad. Now we have a pretty good division of labor. I fetch the juice and yell. Dad plays the games and is fun. So..you know…good times…:-)

    akbutler

    October 17, 2011 at 3:48 pm

  3. This is a heartwarming picture you paint of Cubby and Daddy! I think it must lead to quite the mixed emotions – a little less stress but a little breaking of the heart not to be the “chosen” one.

    It’s interesting to see “choice” going on in this way. In my house, we have a great manipulator – he knows which parent to work for what, when and why… It’s all about mommy when he wants the boo-boo fixed, someone to take him to the bathroom, or the purchase of a new book or toy. It’s all about Daddy when he wants to play certain games or sports or get what he’s been refused from mommy… 🙂

    solodialogue

    October 18, 2011 at 1:57 am

  4. […] post by Spectrummy Mummy This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. ← More organizing for […]


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