Archive for August 2014
Back to my A-Z, and here comes T. T is for transitions. If there is one thing I know about as mother to a child on the autism spectrum (and one not quite), who have lived on four continents…it is transitions.
I’m always interested in transitions, and the way children and adults respond to them. We just moved again to South America, and to say that my children handled it well feels like the world’s biggest understatement. They have always been, and continue to be very excited by each move. They breeze through goodbye ceremonies, and jump right into new homes, new schools, new adventures.
The hardest transition we ever faced was when Cubby was first born, and we left Europe for a brief stay in the U.S. on our way to Bolivia. We never got there, as it was during this time we noticed Pudding’s differences, that would eventually lead to her diagnosis on the Autism Spectrum.
I remember a low point where we had less than a week for my husband to find a job, for us to find a home to rent, and figure out what services we needed for Pudding, and eventually Cubby too. We were rookies, learning our lessons the hard way.
In the five years that have passed, we’ve learned some supports that help, but yet I see friends apply those same strategies to their own children for smaller transitions, and they still seem bumpy compared to our big ones. At times I wonder if experiencing such a painful transition helped rewire our brains, or at least reframe each subsequent move into something that seemed navigable by comparison.
One of the strategies we use for dealing with tough transitions is to make sure we are entirely open with the children about what to expect. For this last move, the kids and I had to go by ourselves in order to arrive in time for the start of school. For a few weeks, we didn’t know when he would be able to join us, then we finally got a date.
Daddy was due to arrive on Thursday, a fact that we had talked about, written down, added to calendars, you know the drill. So, of course, last night I was dealt the task of having to explain that a general strike in the city meant he could no longer fly in when he was supposed to. And even though they have been anticipating this date, with a few tears from Cubby, and a little repetition from Pudding, they just accepted this new truth. A truth that would have sent me as a child into a full blown meltdown.
Which is not to say that we don’t experience the meltdown. Cubby is a classic attention-seeker, and will use his behaviour to get noticed, if that is what it takes. And naturally, he needs a lot of extra attention during this time. Pudding, on the other hand, reserves her rare meltdowns for one very specific reason: injustice.
She finishes her school at one, although the rest of the school continues until half-past three. The reason is to give her time to get to her therapies, which can’t be provided by school. But Pudding doesn’t accept the reason, and sees only the unfairness of having to leave when all the other kids (including her younger brother) get to stay.
Interestingly, those who observe her reactions, and don’t know Pudding as well as I do, have been known to use such instances as evidence that she “struggles with transitions.” Nope. She struggles with unfairness.
And unlike transitions, I’m at a loss to help her to deal with these negative experiences, other than offering my empathy and comfort. Because while I hate for her to be so upset, I’m glad that she she has this sense of justice, and expectation of fair treatment. I’m glad she uses her behaviour to communicate what she can’t fully express in words. Such indignation of unfair treatment will serve her well.
You see, there is always a bigger transition ahead of us. Bigger than moving countries- or continents, even- is the transition to self-advocacy. These are tools she will need to deploy for the rest of her life, especially when I’m not around. Or perhaps, because I’m around, but I’m not her voice: she is.
The real question is: will I ever be able to transition as well as my kids do?
Spectrummy Daddy, we’ll see you on Friday (I hope)!
This post is part of my A-Z series. You can read the others by clicking–> here<–.
One of the great things about the expat life, is you get to reinvent yourself every time you move. And by great, I mean necessary, for me at least. Moving to a new country is a surreal, hyper-real experience, even when you have it done it several times before. I find reinvention to be my coping mechanism.
I’ve been walking a lot lately, which is good for me. In Argentina, I’ve reinvented myself as a walker. Walking is good for thinking, which is good for writing. I have many blog posts in my head, I just need to convert them to type in between walking.
I need to tell you about how South Africa said goodbye to us, and what we did in between here and there, and many, many tales of my kids’ resilience, but this is my blog, so first I’ll talk about my reinvention(s).
I showed an early flair for languages, and some twenty years ago I learned Spanish. But then I was sent to the Lowood Institution where my best friend died in my arms of consumption, and French was the only language I developed. Wait, I’m confusing myself with Jane Eyre again. But for some reason I learned more French, and it covered over my Spanish until it was quite buried.
That French was quite handy in Luxembourg, but not at all useful here, when I try and communicate and this whole other language keeps popping out instead. It is at times like these, I marvel at my girl’s ability to express herself. I know it doesn’t come easily, and it takes a strength I don’t have, but she does.
Though I don’t have that strength, I do need to communicate our needs. Necessity is the mother of invention, so they say. I like to pretend that I’m in some kind of reality TV show. It is of course, absurd that I know so little of the language, so I act like it is a challenge: what can my very basic abilities achieve for me today?
In my first week here, it got me wifi installed in my house, which was a necessity, or I wouldn’t be writing to you now. Miming can get you so far, and sometimes words take you further. I needed a Phillips screwdriver, and that is a thing you certainly don’t want to mime (go on, try it), but when you can’t remember the word “screwdriver” or “tool” it becomes a comedic surfeit of words, words, words.
And if I’m confused why I have to pay when my bill reaches 1000 pesos at the supermercado, even though I have more shopping on the conveyer belt, the explanation is more words than I’m able to process. Hold on, give me five or six months to figure out what you are telling me.
Sometimes my reality TV show has a culinary edge. Instead of getting frustrated at the limitations of the welcome kit (essentials provided by the Embassy until our belongings arrive), I’ll instead prepare the most elaborate food I can, as though competing against myself. Sometimes there are unexpected successes, as I find a way to cook spinach in a way that my kids both eat it for the first time. Or we make empanadas together and remember one of the reasons this is all worth it.
The theme to all my reinventions is facing a challenge. It is okay to be tired, but I’ll never win that way. Today, walking to school for a pre-IEP meeting, I felt a little like David against Goliath, if David didn’t have the slingshot of legal rights outside of the US public school system. But dressing myself in leather boots and biker jacket, I felt like this incarnation might show her strength, even when feeling weak. And just as well, because upon finding that a document about Pudding was being sent to her teachers, I needed to be able to demand a copy even if the school doesn’t normally give them to parents. Nothing about us without us.
Perhaps they aren’t really reinventions after all. Maybe it is more about remembering who you are, how you are, even in a world that seems unfamiliar. Sifting through layers of language, understanding cultural norms and making sure our needs are being met.
Deep down I am who I am no matter where we are. Still, if I were being followed by a camera crew these last few days, I’m sure you’d find it to be very entertaining viewing!