Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

Posts Tagged ‘peace

Mental Noise

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My kids like to make noise.  They like instruments, music, and they really seem to like their own voices.  They love noise.

Apart from when they don’t.  When noises are too loud, or unexpected, or the wrong kind, they are too much, way too much for my kids.  In our house we can’t do fireworks and fire alarms, blenders and barking dogs, hand dryers and helicopters.

Pudding has been ill lately, and that means her tolerance threshold is at an all time low.  The more you tune in to noise, the more you realize how relentless it is.  How I would love to mute the world for her!

And for me.

Noise doesn’t bother me in the same way.  Not physically.  I can stand it, even if I don’t like it.  Which is handy, because…well, read that first sentence again.

But I do love quiet.  

Such a rare commodity, it is even more valuable to me these days.  Lately there has been no quiet for me.  With a very hectic workload and a busy home life, there isn’t so much a rhythm as a drumming.  Demands thudding on my brain all day long so that even when I get enough sleep I’m not refreshed.

Then the next day will be even louder.  A dissonant racket that grows and grows.  I can’t write, because I can’t turn my brain down to hear what I’m thinking.  At times in the last month or so, I needed that mute button for myself just as much as Pudding.

And then, today, it came.  Silence.  I finished work early and then stopped thinking about it.  I didn’t check my Blackberry.  I was at home.  Alone.  It was silent.  It took me some time to realize that.  I was so used to the noise, I’d forgotten what silence sounded like.

Because we live in Johannesburg, before long I heard sirens and helicopters and I let the noise disturb me.  Then it died down again once more, and I could feel the silence once again.  This time I appreciated it.  I held on to the silence, and let the mental noise go away.

It was a gift.  One I rarely had when the kids were younger, and one that seems just as elusive now.  But I think now I realize that I can turn some of the noise down myself, if I just allow myself to enjoy the peace instead of making myself tackle another problem, make another plan, or frustrate myself with busyness.

The best thing though about getting a moment of tranquility?  It makes everyday noises sound so much sweeter.

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Written by Spectrummy Mummy

July 19, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Posted in asperger's syndrome

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Flying

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Two kids, one mummy and a swimming pool. Pudding has always loved the water, but has no fear of it. Cubby is brave enough in a kiddie pool where he can stand up, but terrified in the big pool. Usually he won’t allow any part of his head to touch the water, and makes a sorry sobbing sound if I so much as transfer him to my other hip.

So going to the pool without Spectrummy Daddy in tow is a bold move. This is DC in August. It has been a scorcher, and the humidity factor can be unbearable. When we do brave the playground, the mosquitoes ravish my exotic English suck-me skin, the resulting wounds last for weeks.  Yuck.  Stuck indoors all the time, Pudding can’t help but find trouble.  At times I feel like I say nothing but “no” to her.  I’m weighed down from being so negative.  We’d been inside too long, it was time.

We’d had some problems before in getting her to wear her swim vest, but if she put it on back to front, she was fine. It kind of looked like I’d put my special needs child in a straight jacket, but she was happy, safe, and unable to reach the zipper to take it off.  I’m getting used to odd glances coming our way.  Luckily people tend to keep their small thoughts to themselves, which is just as it should be.

Cubby clung on to me the whole time, but there was no crying or screaming. At a few points, when he was splashing around and soaking his mama (which he says properly now!) quite thoroughly, he squealed with delight. Pudding just looked calm and serene, feeling all the lovely sensation of the water.  The pair of them, who have stretched my heart in ways I could never have imagined, were at peace getting what they needed.  I wanted to cherish the time.  I didn’t feel like the mother taking care of her high-needs children.  I was the special guest at this party.  I felt honoured to be in attendance.

After a while, she took to climbing out and jumping back in again, over and over. There didn’t seem to be much purpose to it, but she had the most beatific smile on her face, it must just feel right to her. So often I’ve taken for granted that my senses and my body work just as they should, I’m so fortunate.  I wish she could have that feeling more often.  I wish everybody could.  I’m just glad she gets to have her moments of it, and I get to share them with her.

One time as she took off, she looked at me and gleefully said, “I’m flying!”. My heart soars along with her.  For that one sweltering afternoon, my love, we both were.

Written by Spectrummy Mummy

August 24, 2010 at 7:30 am