Spectrummy Mummy

Asperger's, Allergies, and Adventures Abroad

Posts Tagged ‘why

The Fix (at Hopeful Parents)

with 2 comments

This post was originally published at Hopeful Parents.  You can find it by clicking here.

On August 16th 2011, Pudding asked me a why question. She was wearing a Hello Kitty top, blue leggings, and Disney Princess socks. I was drinking tea, attempting to warm up after a cool day in Johannesburg proved it really is winter here after all.

As she bounced into the room and her fingers explored every surface, they found the switch of the lamp. She flicked it on and off, as she has done every day since we arrived, but this time it didn’t turn on, and for the first time ever she asked me why.

Just like that. So naturally and spontaneously that a stranger observing might take it for granted. But not me. Every detail is forever etched into my memory. The pounding of my heart and the giddy, elated feeling.

I can’t tell you the day she first smiled, sat by herself, spoke her first word, stood alone, or even took her first steps. I have the memories, but they are pinned down to weeks, not days. Though I’ve been asked countless times on countless forms documenting her development, I give vague answers. 4 weeks, 5 months, 10 months, 12 months.

Those answers satisfy the professionals, looking to pinpoint when her development went awry.  But they don’t satisfy me.

I have replayed those milestones over and over for the last two years, but I can’t get more specific. The truth is that I didn’t accord them the attention they deserved. I was the stranger observing who took them for granted.

Moments after she asked and I even managed to answer her question, I shared this milestone on Facebook. A friend commented that this would herald an exciting new phase of development- the why question being a “gateway milestone”.

I had to applaud her choice of words. No longer the stranger taking milestones for granted, I am now a developmental junkie. I’m addicted to observing the miracle of development, not just in my own children, but in every child I encounter. I can’t get enough, even when I have to be patient with a small stash. I knew that it was a year ago (and four days) since I’d written that Pudding doesn’t ask why. I knew, because I’ve been waiting for this fix ever since.

When I first held Pudding and Cubby, I remember the sudden burst of love I felt for them. Already I was taking for granted so many things: their health, their strength, even their just begun lives. Never again, for either child. I take nothing for granted, appreciating just how fortunate we are.

Likewise with development. Whether milestones are hit strongly and surely (if a little tardily) in Cubby’s case, or later and sporadically as with Pudding, I marvel at them, and the high that they bring.

At times I think of that stranger who soberly observed the milestones in her children. She never knew the intoxicating feeling that rushes through this addict as I witness the many miraculous milestones of everyday life.

After a few hours of riding this high came the inevitable comedown. Was this just appropriate echolalia? And just how long will it be until I hear the next why? I tried to shake my way out of withdrawal by focusing on how huge that milestone was.

Then yesterday at 8.47 am still wearing her nightgown she brought something to me. It was my GPS that I’d removed from the car for my husband to look at. Driving around unfamiliar streets in a new country, I’d been unnerved as it kept dropping the signal, or turning itself off inexplicably.

“Mummy, why is it not working? Is it broken, Mummy?”

Not broken, it just works in it’s own way, on it’s own time. I’m just going to have to be patient about it. But you, my sweet, you are the fix.


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Written by Spectrummy Mummy

August 19, 2011 at 1:30 am

Why?

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Pudding doesn’t ask ‘why?’ yet.  Nor does she appropriately answer when asked why.  For instance an exchange could be:

Pudding: I want a paintbrush.

Me: Why do you want a paintbrush?

Pudding: Yes, give me a paintbrush.

Me: Because you want to….

Pudding: Yes.  May I have paintbrush, please?

She is nothing if not polite, but no real answers here.  So many frustrations could be eased if we could just nail this concept.  She knows that she wants to paint, she knows that she needs a paintbrush to do so.  It is all almost there, just one tiny piece left out.  Another reason, I guess, why the symbol for autism is a puzzle piece.

The “wh” questions are generally difficult for kids with autism spectrum disorders.  Pronouns too, which I understand, because they are slippery little suckers that change around all the time depending on who is speaking.  Does ‘I’ mean me or you?  She gets around it by always using names, which is a smart solution for that issue, but won’t help with “wh” questions.  She actually uses “who?”, “what?”, and “where?” all the time, but “when?” and “why?” are just proving more problematic.  I think “when?” is because she has a murky concept of time.  When she doesn’t want to do something, she’ll frequently tell us she wants to do it “later, on Monday”, even if it is a Monday, for example.  We have included “wh” questions on her IEP, but “why?” doesn’t get included as many typically developing children don’t use it at this stage either, she is not considered delayed.

When we reach this point of being able to reason with her, so she can tell us why she needs something so badly, and I can explain why she can’t have something, it will make life so much easier.  We’ll be able to figure each other out, the start of understanding somebody else’s perspective, the seeds that one day might sprout into a Theory of Mind (which is a whole other post, trust me.  Or just google it if you’re curious).

Of course, “why?” will come one day.  When it does I’ll have to be ready with the answers.  I can do “why can’t I have a cookie?” and even try my hand at “why is the sky blue?”.  Sooner or later though, we’ll get the really tough ones: “why am I different?”, “why do I have Asperger’s?”, “why won’t they play with me?”.  I’m not even close to being able to answer, or at least give a satisfactory answer.  In the case of the last one, I’m not even ready to hear that being asked, but I know one day it will.

The other day I found this site which provides free resources for teaching these tricky concepts, and I made a book of why.  With lots of repetition, we’ll get there.  In a year she has come such a long way, I have no doubt we can do this too.

I may not have all the answers worked out, but I do have a response for when she asks me a “why” I can’t answer: go ask daddy.  Sometimes parenting and spectrummy parenting are the exact same thing, don’t ask me why!

Written by Spectrummy Mummy

August 12, 2010 at 6:55 am